Three tactics (and a bonus tip) to help you manage meltdowns at work, keep your cool, and have a conversation you’re proud of
Disagreement and conflict is a natural part of our working lives.
In fact, when managed well, it’s healthy.
But what about when it isn’t managed so well?
Those times when the situation provokes strong emotional reactions. Sometimes, your actions or your words (even when completely justified) will cause your colleague to have what can only be described as a meltdown.
When this happens, our fight or flight instinct takes over. Adrenaline floods our system. This causes our heart rate to shoot up and butterflies to start flapping around in our stomach.
Usually, we can trust our instincts to guide us through, or at least not actively work against us in a conversation. However, when dealing with a colleague who is having an emotional outburst, our instincts aren’t our friends!
Ultimately, the key to resolving the situation is to keep calm enough to handle it.
But before you can do that, you need to understand why your fight or flight mechanism kicks in and what to do about it.
Fight
When someone pushes, sometimes all we want to do is push back.
This is born out of our desire to protect ourselves, defend our point of view or occasionally, ‘get even’ when we feel wronged.
The problem is, there are no ‘winners’ in a full-on, sour conflict at work or at home.
Frankly, it’s a sad situation all around, and your goal should be to figure out why it’s happening and put it right. For the avoidance of doubt, this isn’t a call to be meek, submissive, or let people push you around. You can (and should) be assertive in a conflict but, your primary aim should be to defuse the situation, not perpetuate a cycle of attack and counterattack.
Flight
There are times when all you want to do is make the conflict go away.
We change the subject, check out of the conversation emotionally or simply leave the room entirely.
Whilst this can be your only option in certain situations, particularly where there’s a significant power imbalance and certainly when you feel your safety is at risk, most of the time all it does is cause resentment. Both in you and the person you’re speaking to.
Over time, this resentment will build like pressure in a steam engine. Further significant conflicts will inevitably follow as they turn into a sort of pressure release valve. You end up trapped in a toxic relationship that hinders the happiness and success of you, the person you’re in conflict with, the team, and potentially the whole organisation.
So if we can’t fight back or run away, what should we do?
Ultimately, when someone has an emotional meltdown, we need to be calm, curious, and present with the other person.
If we’re not very careful, our own negative emotions (anger, fear, sadness, etc.) will fuel the other person. It’s akin to throwing cans of lighter fluid on a roaring bonfire. Keep at it for long enough, and you’ll be engulfed by a raging inferno!
There’s good science to back this up. Reacting emotionally to an emotional outburst engages brain cells called mirror neurons.
These mirror neurons fire when we act and when we observe those actions performed by another person.
So, if you respond to anger with anger, you’ll perpetuate the cycle.
Similarly, if you respond to anger by emotionally checking out, the chances are the other person will do the same. Consequently, the conflict will be left unresolved.
3 tactics for those really difficult conversations
Like it or not, when someone has a meltdown, they’re not in a great place and want to bring you to that place too.
This leaves you with a choice:
Engage on their terms or do things your way.
If you want to do the latter, here are three tactics that’ll help you stay calm and turn a potential disaster into a conversation that you’re proud of:
1. Stay calm
Easy to say but incredibly hard to pull off in a stressful situation. Focus on your breathing and try to start thinking about the why behind the outburst. Doing this engages your rational brain by making you think about more than the situation right in front of you.
2. Stop talking
If you aren’t talking, then you can’t use “hot” language that’s bound to make things worse!
Here are a few of those “hot” phrases to avoid:
a. Calm down
b. Don’t you think you are overreacting
c. I’m sorry you are so angry
Embrace silence and watch the person calms down in front of your eyes.
3. Be present
This is critical. Don’t play with your phone, turn away or show signs of impatience. All this does is prolong the situation. Do your best to listen without interrupting.
The goal here is to be respectful (even if it feels like they don’t deserve it!). Give your colleague your full attention — it’s the last thing they’ll expect and a sure-fire way to lower the temperature in the room.
One final bonus tip…
Being on the receiving end of an emotional outburst is seldom a pleasant experience. Whether someone is ranting, raving, complaining, or crying, it’s in your interest to move that person into a more resourceful mindset so you can have a problem-solving conversation.
The tactics in this toolbox are easy to understand but can be tough to put into practice.
With that in mind, here’s one last tip to help you out when all else has failed:
The less you do, the quicker things will fizzle out.
Put your energy into keeping calm, let them say whatever they want to say, then deal with the aftermath.
I hope you found this tool helpful. If you want to find out more about how I can help you and your team manage difficult conversations with grace and confidence, contact me here.
