“Seek first to understand then to be understood” — Steven Covey
Sometimes, listening is hard
Especially when we’re being told something we might not want to hear.
Our emotions take over, and our defences go up. Once this happens, it’s very hard (if not impossible) to take on board what’s said — no matter how true or valid. We internally scramble to find reasons for and justify why everything we’ve just heard is wrong.
This is why if you want someone to listen to you, you need to make them feel heard first.
Sounds counter-intuitive, doesn’t it?
After all, you’re the one with the point to make, right?
The thing is, making a person feel heard is the fastest way to make them feel cared for. When we feel cared for, we feel safe. When we feel safe, we’re bound to be more receptive to a potentially uncomfortable message.
Get it right, and you’ll help the person you’re speaking to get into a resourceful place, and hence the best position to listen to (and act on) your words.
What to do when we’re worlds apart…
Before we can influence anyone, we need to build a connection with them.
We do this by focusing on understanding.
The problem is, we all hang out on our own little planets, and the night sky looks very different depending on where you are in the galaxy.
Same stars, different view.
Essentially, we all have very different perspectives on the world and the things in it.
Same problems, different perspectives.
We get around this by earning the right to be listened to by letting our conversation partner know we see, hear and value their perspective.
In short, we need to visit their planet before they’re comfortable enough to visit ours.
Get curious!
If you’re heading towards a potentially difficult conversation, chances are you’re feeling a little out of sorts.
The best thing to do when faced with these feelings is to get curious and ask yourself, “Why?”. Do this, and you’ll identify the underlying issue and move into a more resourceful place.
Similarly, when you’ve identified that something might not be sitting right with one of your colleagues, get curious!
Gently probe their understanding of the heart of the issue to facilitate their movement from a more negative place to a positive, proactive mindset where they’re willing to work with you to overcome whatever obstacle they’re facing.
It’s vital to stress the facilitative aspect of this questioning. Your job isn’t to railroad your colleague to a particular conclusion (even when you know your perspective is spot on!). It’s to help your colleague figure things out for themselves. With this in mind, avoid direct or closed questions. Not only can these feel standoffish, but they can also limit your colleague’s participation in the conversation. This prevents them from feeling heard and will entrench any negativity you sought to alleviate with your questioning!
Ask (the right) questions
So, we’ve established that good questions are important, but what do good questions look like?
In short, they’re questions that allow the person you’re speaking to tell their own story.
Here are a few to get you thinking:
• “Tell me more about…”
• “I’m curious about…”
• “I’m wondering…”
• “Help me understand…”
However, simply asking a great question isn’t enough. There’s one more key element to effective questioning that so often gets missed out on.
Validation
Once you’ve listened to your colleague’s answer, validating their experience (whether you agree with it or not) is vital.
Here are a few examples:
“Wow, that is a tough situation the client has put you in…”
“No wonder you are feeling frustrated…”
“This is really tricky for you…”
See how you’re acknowledging their experience but not necessarily agreeing with it? This is a crucial balance to strike in a manager/colleague conversation. Because if you stray to close to the latter, you’ll talk yourself into a corner. If that happens, it’ll be impossible to get a meaningful message about poor performance across.
Intent vs Impact
Most of us have good intentions.
In fact, I’d go so far as to say that 99% of our behaviour has positive intent behind it. However, sometimes, it lands with a negative impact.
These early questions where you’re looking to build trust and make your colleague feel heard are a great opportunity to explore this.
By highlighting and recognising the good intentions behind behaviour that’s been received poorly your colleague will be more receptive to hearing about that poor reception — and what needs to change to avoid it happening again.
You could do this by asking questions like:
“What did you mean when…”
“How did you intend…”
Follow their answer up with validating statements like:
“I understand why you did that…”
“I can see that you didn’t mean…”
This process bridges that all-important gap between your perception and theirs, thereby allowing your colleague to tell their story. It also gives you the information you need to engage in a compassionate yet productive conversation.
It’s always good to listen
It’s said that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason!
Listening to your colleagues before you speak is one way you can diffuse a potentially contentious conversation before it even starts.
If you have any questions about this toolkit, then drop us a line here.
